Friday, December 31, 2010

Dugaan (with -s)

Angah was doing the check list. she spent the whole evening doing it while i moped around, being sad for the dugaan (with -s). i asked her to stop. i said no way this would happen. she said "Everything would be fine. Be positive". i just looked at her, admiring the strenght, hope and help.

Abg fai was sitting on the cosy sofa, looking at me while smiling, trying to comfort me, out from the worries. "Relax la, eika. This is a happy house. We vibrate positive thought. We have you back. We'll be here for you". i craved a fake smile to him, hoping i would be okay..and i was still in hope.

I changed the channel and suddenly there it was, a motivational programme, Dari Mata ke Hati by Prof Dr Muhaya. She talked about The Power of Positive Mind and Searching for Peace. Abg fai and Angah was looking at me with the croaked smile on their face. "Eika, mmg kene rancangan nie tuk ko yg tgh sedeyh skrg". i smiled again. this time, i jot down a few things that she said, hoping my hand could direct my brain to do as what i wrote... and i failed again.

They said, if you are feeling unhappy, stress, and in negative mood, it would affect your body and muscle strenght. yup, i couldn't even lift my butt off the sofa.

"Eika, you haven't taken all the clothes in? have you cooked the rice? Eika!" there you go, my sis again. i was quite distracted. i couldn't do things right. Damn, i hate me.

Mum said she's not coming back to KL as planned. There's 'no business' here as the 'high status' people had cancelled it. Suddenly Angah approached me, passing the 4 pages list that she had finally completed, saying, "I called mummy and she said she's coming back to KL". i looked at her, while tenganga, saying "tapi kan tak jadi nak...". She then cut me halfway, " Ma tanya u merajuk ke? I jawab ada sikit. We are going back to Cheras to meet mummy there". Even mummy was worried sick that i would be sad. She was? Gosh! What have i done? making my whole fam worried?

i am the worst person ever.

"rain rain go away, come again another day"

All i want is to see my mum's and my abah's face. Even if i do not let out my real feeling, but they know it. They sit beside me, and try to make me happy in a subtle way. With all my fam members with me, i would hold the blanket high tonight (or more nights) and scream in silence, crying my heart out, and be grateful that i have a family with me who loves me unconditionally. And that's how i know that i truly love them too...

Thursday, December 30, 2010


i am transforming into what you want. i would please you the way you want it. i would hide my real colour. i would swallow myself and not let you see the real me. i am going to smile a big smile so u can be happy that you won't even notice the wrinkle on my forehead, craters-in agony. i would bare the heat inside me and stick my tongue long enough to catch the air. and later i would breathe and feel good because i am not a fish..oppss..selfish.

nope.. you won't notice it. you can't tell. you would not know the truth behind the layers of my thick skin....

.....because i am a chameleon.....

i give you cheerful colour but hide my real torments.


Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Something new

i should write more often. This is literally really a web already.

A new year is about to come. i am expecting something new. i like new things. don't you?
Yet, changes sometimes scare me. And i bet not everybody accepts it well. i just hope that things go on good.

i was at home the other day, enjoying my free time after 3 weeks battling with papers and so on when it suddenly rained. The smell of the rain always reminds me of something. You know that your brain interprets what you smell and sometimes it triggers something. Like how certain perfumes remind me of my old best buddy, the smell of detergent reminds me of a special friend of mine, the smell of grass reminds me of my sweet time at MRSM and the smell of old blanket reminds me of my best friend, Moh. The wet soil evaporated the heat and i kind of reminiscing my good old days at Kampung. i remembered how small and naive i was at that time. and it felt good to have that memory.

Now i am all grown up. i just wish i didn't make so much mistakes. Yet, i am full of flaws. i wish to have found someone who can tolerate how imperfect i am. And give me the time and every opportunity to be better. I know that's your wish too. So, let's wish that next year, life is going to be more fabulous! Yihaaaaa~~~~

This is my so called life.