Dugaan (with -s)

Angah was doing the check list. she spent the whole evening doing it while i moped around, being sad for the dugaan (with -s). i asked her to stop. i said no way this would happen. she said "Everything would be fine. Be positive". i just looked at her, admiring the strenght, hope and help.

Abg fai was sitting on the cosy sofa, looking at me while smiling, trying to comfort me, out from the worries. "Relax la, eika. This is a happy house. We vibrate positive thought. We have you back. We'll be here for you". i craved a fake smile to him, hoping i would be okay..and i was still in hope.

I changed the channel and suddenly there it was, a motivational programme, Dari Mata ke Hati by Prof Dr Muhaya. She talked about The Power of Positive Mind and Searching for Peace. Abg fai and Angah was looking at me with the croaked smile on their face. "Eika, mmg kene rancangan nie tuk ko yg tgh sedeyh skrg". i smiled again. this time, i jot down a few things that she said, hoping my hand could direct my brain to do as what i wrote... and i failed again.

They said, if you are feeling unhappy, stress, and in negative mood, it would affect your body and muscle strenght. yup, i couldn't even lift my butt off the sofa.

"Eika, you haven't taken all the clothes in? have you cooked the rice? Eika!" there you go, my sis again. i was quite distracted. i couldn't do things right. Damn, i hate me.

Mum said she's not coming back to KL as planned. There's 'no business' here as the 'high status' people had cancelled it. Suddenly Angah approached me, passing the 4 pages list that she had finally completed, saying, "I called mummy and she said she's coming back to KL". i looked at her, while tenganga, saying "tapi kan tak jadi nak...". She then cut me halfway, " Ma tanya u merajuk ke? I jawab ada sikit. We are going back to Cheras to meet mummy there". Even mummy was worried sick that i would be sad. She was? Gosh! What have i done? making my whole fam worried?

i am the worst person ever.

"rain rain go away, come again another day"

All i want is to see my mum's and my abah's face. Even if i do not let out my real feeling, but they know it. They sit beside me, and try to make me happy in a subtle way. With all my fam members with me, i would hold the blanket high tonight (or more nights) and scream in silence, crying my heart out, and be grateful that i have a family with me who loves me unconditionally. And that's how i know that i truly love them too...

Chameleon

i am transforming into what you want. i would please you the way you want it. i would hide my real colour. i would swallow myself and not let you see the real me. i am going to smile a big smile so u can be happy that you won't even notice the wrinkle on my forehead, craters-in agony. i would bare the heat inside me and stick my tongue long enough to catch the air. and later i would breathe and feel good because i am not a fish..oppss..selfish.

nope.. you won't notice it. you can't tell. you would not know the truth behind the layers of my thick skin....

.....because i am a chameleon.....

i give you cheerful colour but hide my real torments.

Happy?

Something new

Gosh!
i should write more often. This is literally really a web already.

A new year is about to come. i am expecting something new. i like new things. don't you?
Yet, changes sometimes scare me. And i bet not everybody accepts it well. i just hope that things go on good.

i was at home the other day, enjoying my free time after 3 weeks battling with papers and so on when it suddenly rained. The smell of the rain always reminds me of something. You know that your brain interprets what you smell and sometimes it triggers something. Like how certain perfumes remind me of my old best buddy, the smell of detergent reminds me of a special friend of mine, the smell of grass reminds me of my sweet time at MRSM and the smell of old blanket reminds me of my best friend, Moh. The wet soil evaporated the heat and i kind of reminiscing my good old days at Kampung. i remembered how small and naive i was at that time. and it felt good to have that memory.

Now i am all grown up. i just wish i didn't make so much mistakes. Yet, i am full of flaws. i wish to have found someone who can tolerate how imperfect i am. And give me the time and every opportunity to be better. I know that's your wish too. So, let's wish that next year, life is going to be more fabulous! Yihaaaaa~~~~

This is my so called life.

Weak

Those who dwell on their emotion are weak.

Those who walk alone are weak.

Those who feel weak are weak.

Those who seem pathetic stay weak.

Those who hunger for love are truly weak.

Those who can’t feel happy are weaker than the weak.

So be it... I am weak.

I miss, but I can’t show it.

I want, but I can’t have it.

I need, but I can’t get it.

I love, but I can’t love it.

Yet, those whose emotions are stranger to them are the weakest of all.

Admit it. You sometimes feel weak.

in Front of Muhammad SAW

Following the link on Fb, i discovered these videos on Youtube.

What would you say? What would you do? What can you give?

...in the sOul

An understanding mind. A brave heart. A listening ear. A positive thought. A strong clasp. A pair of soothing eyes. A bunch of convincing words. A positive sign. A bucket-full-of-sunshine smile. A warm hug. A strong will.

A compassionate lover. A loyal companion. A knight in shining armour.

You bring smile and peace in the soul.

Thank you. You are the greatest friend ever.

Left or Right brained? (tak de keje)

This is my result for personality test that I took recently.

Introverted (I) 68% Extraverted (E) 32%
Sensing (S) 64% Intuitive (N) 36%
Feeling (F) 55% Thinking (T) 45%
Judging (J) 59% Perceiving (P) 41%

I – Introversion preferred to Extraversion: ISFJs tend to be quiet and reserved. They generally prefer interacting with a few close friends rather than a wide circle of acquaintances (betol!), and they expend energy in social situations

S – Sensing preferred to iNtuition: ISFJs tend to be more concrete than abstract. They focus their attention on the details rather than the big picture, and on immediate realities rather than future possibilities. (ye ke?)

F – Feeling preferred to Thinking: ISFJs tend to value personal considerations above objective criteria. When making decisions, they often give more weight to social implications than to logic (hehe.. boleh tahan)

J – Judgment preferred to Perception: ISFJs tend to plan their activities and make decisions early (betol!).They derive a sense of control through predictability.

I also had figured out I am quite balance in the left and right brain function (normally most people pon kot). Yet, I was told to be more into the right brain. Considering the personality test that I took, yup I guess it’s quite true. I rase most female right brained la, if you know what I mean. Lalala~~~ Try la.

Uste, get married soon okay!

OMG! My Uste is planning to get married! I just figured out a few hours ago before he departed to France. Well, I kind of ‘feel’ it prior being told by my mum but I never thought he really meant it. I egat it was a joke sbb masa tue we were wrestling (it’s our routine);

“Uste, go and get a life. Don’t you have anything to do? Mcm mane nak kawen gni!” I said as he pinned me down.
“Macam mane nak kawen, ko tak kawen lagi?” said Uste sambil memicit-micit lemak ku.
“Geli la sengal!”… and it ended there ( not the fight, the conversation).

I smiled as my mum told me about his wish. My mum said that most of his friends are back in Malaysia to get engaged with their love one and he actually was planning to do the same. Yippi! I am excited. My lil bro yg penah maen masak2 ngan I dah besar! Oh, I am proud of him. But then... suddenly my mum said this one heart-breaking thing.

Thinking about me, he cancelled his plan.

“Takkan la Uste nak langkah bendul”

WTH? I was devastated. If only I knew about this, I would smack him down earlier. The last thing I want to be is a sister who menghalang kebahagiaan my own lil brother. Cewah..

It’s so nice of him thinking about me, but Uste.. I don’t mind dear. I just want him to know I am okay with the langkah bendul or ape semua tue. I tak kisah. I want to see him happy. If nak tunggu eika kawen, eika rase mmg jauh lagi. So, BMW pon dah cukup… kidding!

Hurm.., it’s not that I am memilih or do not want to get married. I want! But God has a better plan for me. And I just think I am not ready for this, considering there are lots of things about me I need to change.. The right guy pon tak jumpa lagi. Fidelity is a big issue for me. Oh, I am pathetic! Anyway, sambung master pon tak lagi. Angan2 I neh besar taw… lagipon, God knows best. I believe in Him. If he thinks it’s time, it will be the right time.

I hope everything is going to be fine. And I hope my lil brother will be a nice husband. I am sure whoever is going to be his wife will be the luckiest girl on earth! Err…except that she needs to tolerate our wrestling routine. (^_*)

siGn

it's quiet hard to decide what's best for you when you cant even predict. not a single sign and stuff to help you deal with it. and the only thing that you can do is wait. and hope that Allah swt has mercy on you. so He will start pouring blessing and signs and you would be okay. how would you know what's best for you? life is about taking risk but how can you possibly calculate when you have no formulas? nope, you cant. the only logic reason for the crap i am taking about now is that i am totally confused.

human behavior is confusing. Look at me for instance. At times i cant even understand me. human rate of change fluctuate like the stock market. i wish there can be a machine that can give me graph on this. i like graph~~~

so tell me, when you love somebody, should it be a smooth ride or a bumpy ride?
is the bumpy ride means you should change your driver or it is going to be an exiting journey to a happily ever after ending?

you cant tell right? so do i..

i just hope i'm doing the right thing. Coz i wont let this brings me down. nope.. you cant. i just need some siGns, and lEt Allah swt does the rest..Lalala~~~~

Gosh... this is tough!

Not there yet

I don’t understand..

Why once people get married, or found their so-called ‘soulmate’, they no longer keep in touch with their friends? Old friends-to be specific. I have lost many best friends to marriage. Marriage seems to swallow them in one big basket, and confined them there. They no longer text you or call you. Not like what we used to do back then.

There might be various reasons for this. Their hectic life or ‘busy’ would be the most popular reason ever. This include:

# job to handle
# obligation towards husband
# kids to take care
# meal to cook
# etc..

but to me, it seems like they don’t need us, friend anymore. They only have that one world to take care of.Hence, others unattached would be just mere dust.

It is quite hard for me to comprehend. Maybe it’s true that their life is so damn busy with lots of things to settle. Maybe they have new friends to take care of. Maybe I’m not a good friend of worth keeping. Maybe life is like that. Maybe they already get what they want in life and friends mean nothing anymore.

Or could it be because.....

...... I just simply not there yet?...Hurmm....

Chematrian In Action Again!

It was a superb day for me. How excited I was as I drove like crazy from Kuantan to KL on that Saturday after a school event just to celebrate my mummy, abah, abe and uste's belated bday. It was a surprise so mummy dah frustrated dah when i said i tak balik. My uste came back a week earlier without telling me so as I knew about his presence here in Malaysia, eika mmg eager nak balik. Yeayyy!!!

I was actually in my baju kurung you know! Tak sempat nak salin pon. Punya la nak jayakan surprise nie. I went to Seremban to fetch my razif. A bit gado here gado there(^_*), cari kek and stuff .. we finally made it to Kunang Kunang.

With two cute cakes, candles and so on, I walked in and saw lots of beautiful faces waiting. Me and my sis sang the Happy Birthday song. i could tell that they were quite suprised. How I love them all! We celebrated that night with joy and laughter. Sume datang dengan partner. My bro n kak long with lil cute atif yang sakit perut, angah and bro fai with lil haikal comel, me n raz, uste and syerin, mummy and abah, and also my two cute lil sisters. I thanked Allah for his blessing, in giving me such a supportive family. I prayed to Allah that we will always be there for each other.

After the dinner, me, raz, angah, abg fai,haikal and those two lil devils went for bowling. Our favourite game! That wrapped up the day.



CheMatrian go bowl!

Team Pusing Bola (kapten=raz)

My fav guy beraksi~

Thanks raz for this lousy pic!you saja nak wat i hodoh!

Uste, that is so gay!

Chematrian!

BEkas Kelab Bowling Pandan. Konon la~~~

My other fav guy

Lastly, we went back home feeling great and tired. Phew! What a wonderful day~ (^_^)

Ramadhan joy!

Ramadhan is here. Yippi!!! I must admit that I feel anxious. Will I do better this year? Hopefully! (^_^)

So, eika nak mohon ampun maaf dari orang yang eika mungkin pernah sakiti, buat dosa, lukai…. atas sume kesalahan la. Harap maafkan eika. Kalau still tak bolah, datang la jumpa eika and just tell me what should I do to get that forgiveness. InsyaAllah…

Happy fasting!!

A week

Well, apart from being busy with exam papers that need to be marked, i did have some fun during this school holiday.

Hari 1: Boring2, so jalan2 dengan haikal n the geng kat OU. Semua org lapar mase tue cari pizza. Last2 g kat Murni je..Semua org mesty penah lepak kat Murni kan. Musim bola so mmg ramai mamat2 tengok bola. mamat tengok bola, saya tengok mamat tengok bola. Hehe..

Hari 2: Abg Fai ajak g maen bowling... Termakbul jugak hasrat angah nak makan pizza. So layan la si haikal tue yg dah makin pandai lompat2 atas meja makan. "Haikal! Where's your manner?". Macam la haikal paham cakap Mak Lang dia kan. Dekat bowling center die nak kejar bola n pin bowling. Mak Lang dah penat dah pegang haikal. Laen kali nak bawak tali ikat die kat bola bowling tue. Sure takleyh gerak. Hehe..Mak Lang sayang Haikal!



Hari 3: Kereta eika rosak di tengah jalan di Kuala Lumpur lepas g shopping and ambik adik di Perpustakaan Kanak-Kanak Kuala Lumpur. Sungguh sedeyh. Tapi yg kelakarnya, mummy datang bawak makanan. Kami makan kat tepi jalan. Saya malu jadi saya makan dalam keta. Adik2 yg laen naek belakang Hilux abah n duk kat dalam kotak tue. Lucu giler mummy punya idea neh! We had a great time wpon berpanas kat tepi jalan tue.



Hari 4: Keluar hang out ngan BFF. Tengok wayang citer The A-Team. Giler gelak. Funny sgt! Jangan lupa tengok. Kalu tak ada idea, eika suggests Killers. Best jugak. Eika suka~


Hari 5: Mummy selesema teruk, jadi bawak g jumpa Doc.Sebelum jumpa doc, maen2 ngan Atif. Atif nie anak abe saye. Comel kan~~ Hobi dia nangis and berdiri lama2. Seronoknya tengok muka dia jebik2 nak nangis... hehe.


Esok kena balik Kuantan sudah. Ekin nikah and she needs my help with a few things. I'm glad to help her. wpon cuti ada 2 minggu tapi 5 hari je yang i betul2 happy bercuti. the rest of the days busy dengan extra classes and things to do. hope things will get better. InsyaAllah!!

yihaaaa! (^_*)

Tak Patut

Mmg bosan sejak dua-menjak nie. mana tah semua orang menghilang. kawan2 bloggers pon sibuk saja. ini memang tak patut. tak patut.....!!!

I should do something. something great yang boleh ubah hidup ini a little bit- towards a better one. apa yea???

saya blurr niee...

There she goes again...

This perpetual sickness I dwell on
Has continued to perplex my head
As that tyranny of yours spears right through my heart, I still hold tight. Upright.
This state of agitation won’t bring lucidity
Someone should succour me
Yet, this repulsive mind of mine inveigles me with more malice.
I am not meek. Jocund is not mined anymore. It doesn’t bring tranquility to this sly smile.
The scorn creates a precocious little brat, pushing benevolence. Unscrupulous!


Lalalala~~~

You don't really get it don't you? me either.

Just pass through. Yeehhaaa...

wHaT a dAy!

It was a beautiful night when we celebrated these 4 teachers yg habis berpraktikal di sekolah saye nie. all of them were so damn nice and sengal. just like us guru2 mude kat cni (i muda key!)

thx to laip, fauzi, amani and didi for cheering up our days kat cni 3 bulan kebelkangan neh. laip cried kat airport mase kitorg hantar. sesuai ngan namanya...baby L!mulut fauzi is one tg yg aku akan rindu sgt (tak tahan nak cili) but i still remember the first time i saw him.

'urm..mcm superman nie'

tapi bile tgok lama2. celah uban pon tak!(kuasa one tail mengganas)

didi and amani masa mula2 datang paling innocent(konon!) and menimbulkan kntroversi. ahli mesyuarat tingkap je yg tau~~~tapi yg akan plg dirindukan ialah naek kereta dgn diorg. sure kutuk suara juru karaoke kereta. sentap gtu!

i just hope future will treat you better and give u more fun and vibrant tgs in ur life.

Going to miss u lots guys!!!

Baby L sure kat Sabah dah sekarang bah...

Didi and Amani wif mentor, kak ct!

nie semua chegu2 yg 'masuk air'



We ended the night with a Bday song to Ikmal and eating ice cream while sengol-sengolan.


Tapi...tika menulis ini, saya sedang sedeyh. i guess love cannot be forced right? if only i had not loved him so much.. but i am~~~(T_T)

jeng3x...

TuDuNg

Well, when people say duk kat KL neh kos sara hidup tinggi, I don’t think so. It’s the people punya desire yg tinggi. We can actually get lots of cheap and bargain items kat KL neh. As a person yang giler tudung and kain, with my mama n angah yg terer giler shopping, we did go out to do one of our normal chores- shopping kat jln TAR!

If u want to search for a nice, gler murah punya tudung2, you can go to this one place- MUAZ TEXTILE. Kualiti tudung n kain di tahap sederhana. If u really pandy cari and padai jaga and gayakan, I don’t think you have problem. Sure berbaloi. They have variety of tudung and kain. Go, now!


MUAZ TEXTILE


Tumpang lalu yea makcik. Murah kan!


“Mummy, babah pakai ape tue?” One thing that you should have. A very understanding and patient husband to teman you while looking after your baby!

Malangnya i tak pakai tudung jenis gtu so i beli pashmina je. saje gatal tangan. biasanya diorg ade selendang jugak. tapi at that time, those tudung yg banyak. So, teman angah n mama yg mmg gemar btudung gtu. ngEhehe.


“Oh, you look glamour in that angah.” A model who enjoys life at Jln TAR.


look what i found at Jln TAR? Glamour gtu name i neh. ngEhehhee.


LAlalala~~~

Engagement

My weekend is definitely for my friends and family. It’s Is and Fyeera’s Engagement. Come later was Ekin and Anas’s. it’s so overwhelming to see their faces. Here are some picx from the engagement.











Ain’t they gorgeous? I snap picx and did the make up for ekin with her help. Well, not much to do and not really that hard because she wanted a simple one. I can’t event contrast her cheek with more colour because she refused to look fake in front of her future mother-in-law. Hehe!

LovE ya BebEyh! LookiNg forwArd fOr mY oWn onE. Lalalalala~~~~

Eikaspeare

I guess sooner of later this has to be done
Clearly, it’s time to step down
I guess it’s the way of looking at signs
And considering whether it is destined.

I guess I have to stop pushing
And let it pushes me.

I guess I’m tired of speaking and always losing
Pretending to all and faking my feeling.

If it’s ok then I’ll be okay.
If it’s not moving, then I’m not shifting.

High hopes and wishes,
Would still be just a dream
How it still hurts
Not an answer for you to redeem.


Urm.. I think Shakespeare is going to laugh at me again. Damn!

As iF wE nEvEr lIkE

How easy that we forget things

A single dust can cover the eyes and heart

Vanishing all the good things as hatred wrap them.

and how hard is it to remember.

The second when love words are whispered

as hands caressing the face

eyes locked together

and heart bounded tight

Instead of cherishing the moments of joy

and Reminiscing the love

we Grow pain in heart.

As if we never like.




Hehe~~~

TaKe Me tHere

This massage goes to all the aliens out there.
(preferably a handsome, kind, and from a rich clan)

(^_*)

Abduct me!

Away from the work
From the fever
From the haters
And alligators… Ngap! Ngap!

Ku takot~~~

And bring me to the WoNdeRlANd
Where I can be

The Queen

A fabulous, friendly, famous, fair, and favourable onE!

Oh! That’s a lot of F’s word!
(Inspired by Gulp and Gasp by John Townsend)

can i? hahhak!

malu~~~